Annie Kirkwood, Author
700 East Shawntel Smith Blvd.
P.O. Box 1376
Muldrow, OK. 74948-1376
December 2003/January 2004 Issue #73
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This is Annie's section
I wish each of you a very Merry Christmas and pray that the New Year brings each of you good health, love, and wealth. Once again let me tell you how much I appreciate you. You have made my journey through grief easier.
Last time my comment was that I didnt know what I am learning. Well ... ask and you shall receive! I know now that Im back to the first lesson. I thought Id already learned to love myself and in truth, I did-up to a point. Now its time to go beyond that point and take this self-esteem a step further. Isnt it funny, not ha-ha funny, but ironic that just when you think you know something, you find you can always learn more?
Being Cleo, you know Queen of the Nile or more accurately, Denial, I had not realized that Id slipped into old patterns and old ways of dealing with myself. Do you find this a challenge, too? This past year felt like it was made up of deprivation and despair mostly. Because of this feeling, I went into denial, instead of dealing with the whole issue of grief. Can you turn off all feeling and simply be? I can and its not always a good thing. Turning off allows me to fall into the old patterns of self-negation and put-downs.
Today Im in the agony of making an important decision. Its one of my least favorite things to do and for years I didnt have to. I could give my opinion and then leave the final decision to Byron. But now the buck stops here, and no one else can do it for me. I think upon reflection that this is just another way of doubting myself, not my guidance, but myself. This kind of thinking can still stop you in your tracks. You dont go forward and you cant go backwards, so youre stuck. To me, stuck equals trapped, not a good feeling. I dont know who said, Know thyself, but Ive taken that literally and there is a continuous self-evaluation. No, its not something I do daily, but when I begin to realize that Im NOT FEELING GOOD, then I will look within myself. Mainly because I am so good at denial.
Another way that helps me gauge how Im doing is, I look at how Im treating others. Mainly store clerks, who have been the first ones I take my bad temper out on. I lose patience with them and with technical support people who dont pronounce English clearly. This is a barometer on how Im feeling about myself. Ive apologized again and again to clerks in my prayers and in my meditations and in many of the talks Ive given. I live outside a small town. I went back to apologize to one clerk who I thought Id been really nasty to. She didnt know what I was talking about. So maybe this is just my inner-self making me out to be worse than I really am.
Usually when Im not feeling compassionate, its because Im not loving myself at that moment. So what am I doing about it? Lots of prayer and many affirmations about how much God loves us all. You see once I get it that God only loves, then it is easier to accept and appreciate myself. Getting it means that at a gut/soul level, I know this to be the Truth. I also have a couple of friends who are so honest with me that I trust them with my darkest feelings. This may sound like Im putting my darkest secrets out to the public; there is much I dont have the room to talk about. Yet this is what Mother Mary asked me to do, to be honest about what is happening in my life and how Im handling it.
Its now a few days after I started this letter, and Im wondering if the coming Holiday Season is having an affect on me. Thanksgiving and Christmas are not what they used to be, and last year was the saddest Christmas Ive ever experienced. We like to think that all people are happy at Christmas, but the truth is that millions are not. What I would like to remind you is that God loves you, just as you are now. That you dont have to be happy, good, or spiritual for God to love you. And when we are at our worst, that is the time we need to remember how much we are loved by Him. This one thing has helped me more than any other concept or Truth. God loves! Isnt that wonderful? Dont you just feel so cherished? I do. It inspired me to get off the pity pot and be grateful for His love. It moves me to do things Ive avoided or dreaded.
This past weekend (its another day), I cleaned out Byrons bathroom and made it mine. Im beginning to move forward. Ive not been able to dispose of his things and this was a start. My holding on to Byrons things does not help anyone. It was difficult to let go of his things in one way, and in another, it was freeing. It makes me feel like Im finally accepting his death and my new life without him. I still have a tendency to not want to face the tough things, but all in all I am progressing and for this I am grateful.
This is weeks later and this newsletter will be very late and for that I apologize. We had a disaster strike our computer system. Not to go into detail, just let me inform you that all of our data has been erased including the newsletter database. There is an effort now to recover it, but at this time its still in my prayers. So for a while, and Im not sure how long, there will not be any renewal notices going out. If you know for sure that you are due to renew I would appreciate you doing so. Needless to say, Im not sure I have everyones name and address. We are trying to recover those from different sources. If you know of a person who did not get a newsletter that should be getting one, please ask them to notify me.
Yet another lesson, is it not? Right now Im simply getting my life in order and making every effort to be smart in ways that I am not used to. Byron was the one who knew computers backward and forward; I know enough to cover the head of a straight pin. So this learning is by trial and error and sometimes the error is a brutal lesson.
But all in all this has been a good year. I am grateful for the time I had with Byron and now am grateful for the many earthly angels who have come forward to help me through this transition.
My prayers are with you and my most earnest prayer is in appreciation of you, each of you. May we truly see our blessings and remember you have a friend in Oklahoma,
This is Mother Mary's section
My dear children,
I come to you in peace. This is the time of year when you remember Jesus birth, and so many centuries ago, the angels sang their prayer for peace on earth and goodwill toward men. How can you go through this season and not remember that song? How can it not affect you with a stirring, a yearning for peace? I have spoken so often of peace and now feel the need to simply urge you to pray for peace to come to every person. What is needed in this day and time is inner peace, an inner confidence in God.
Confidence in God will give you hope and hope gives you something to look forward to. The human spirit needs, craves something to hope for. What better thing to hope for than peace. Hope is an illumination of your prayer. Life is so good because it is given to you by such a benevolent Spirit, such a loving Creator. Life itself is hopeful, joyful, and exciting. Many people confuse excitement with drama and suspense, and at times with violence. Excitement can also be thought of as a thrill and, contrary to popular belief, a thrill does not have to be wrought with danger. It is exciting and thrilling to watch a baby discover the wonder of his body. Is it not thrilling to watch your children achieve a task? Is it not thrilling to complete some difficult feat? Life is thrilling and exciting. Life is filled with hope, and life-as it was meant to be lived-is peaceful, not boring, but peaceful, without excess stress.
Pray for peace, for the joy of peace to come into your heart and mind. Pray for people in all parts of the world to realize peace. When you realize something is important, you will look at what it takes for you to achieve peace. You know then, dear ones, that if you are living in the very presence of God, you live from the inside out. Your life begins with your inner connection to Him. Your desires for anything, be it material, of the heart, or a desire for more knowledge, all begin in your thoughts, prayers, yearnings, and needs. You cannot be peaceful by simply thinking about peace once in a while, or going to a peace vigil or meditation once a month and ignoring peace thereafter.
Keep your sight on peace, my children. Let your heart speak to you of the many ways to bring peace into your daily life. It is not enough to pray for peace to come to other areas of the world, or to your country. It isnt enough to desire peace to be in other people, if you do not have peace within your heart. Peace is an awareness, it is uplifting, it is joyful. First and foremost pray for peace, but remember that you pray in a muffled voice when you pray for peace and refuse to forgive your neighbor, loved one, or family member.
As I stated in the beginning of this message, inner peace is to have confidence in God. To have confidence is to trust, to trust so completely that your life depends on it. That is how you can confide in God. Another aspect of confidence is credence. Do you belief that God loves you immensely? Then live as if that is the truth in your life. Do you believe that God can change circumstances? He can. Many of you say, then why doesnt God just pour peace out on the world and change people from angry to loving in an instant? Why doesnt God make people live in peace? Why does God allow wars? Why doesnt He do something about all the violence.
And many of you are praying for God to change things without any effort on your individual part. God is a Creator, not a genie. God created you in His image; that inner part of you that is spirit is just like God. Then He placed you, at your choice, in a world filled with the outcome of your own decisions and choices. What you see today are the choices made not only by you, but also by your parents and their parents. He gave you the freedom to choose all things in your life. I urge you to choose peace in every instance of your life. I urge you to pray for peace to come to you and to all men through their awareness, their own understanding. You as a whole must do the changing. You as humankind are responsible for peace on earth.
In this world, my little children, you will change turmoil to peace through your inner dealings and your outer actions. But remember that you must change the inside first, in order for the outer changes to be lasting. Simply saying I will not be angry again, without addressing the reason for the anger, whether that reason be real or not, will not last. Because you have freedom to make choices, God will abide with your choices until you ask for help. Until you cry to Him for help, He is patiently awaiting your call.
Understand this, to pray for peace means that peace begins within you. Praying for peace, with the thought that I will do all that is my part to live in peace, is the true way to pray. To pray, asking God to change other people, circumstances, and outer things, is to pray with a muffled voice. All prayers are heard, not all prayers are acted upon because often the person praying is not ready to change. Answered prayer changes everything. Prayer changes your thought process, your feelings, your outlook on life; it changes your body. Every aspect of your being is changed through prayer. The more you pray, being open to have God work through you, the more you change. And, dear children, change is what is needed in the world today.
Set your sights on your inner connection to God. Pray for the faith to believe so profoundly in Him, that you will not doubt. Pray for the certainty that He loves you in todays circumstances and situations, and how you are feeling. God does not ask you to be what you are not. He asks you to be what you are in your spirit. In your spirit you are peaceful. You have simply been looking so intensely on the outer aspects of life, you are forgetting that you know how to live in peace. Peace is an active part of your life when you constantly address issues, situations, and people that need your attention. Remember that what you put off, grows. Do not put off praying for peace with an open heart and mind, because the need for this prayer will grow. Do not put off making peace with your past through prayer. Nor put off making peace with all that is in your life today, through prayer. And have the confidence in God and His love that you can be at peace with your future. Fear not the future, but be at peace with the uncertainty of it because you believe in Gods goodness.
Be open to changing for the best and changing towards peace.
I am loving you. Mary, Mother of Jesus.
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Original date: December 10, 2003
Last updated: December 10, 2003