A little Inter-Net Humor

They pleaded with St Peter to please find a minister and allow them to get married. Each year they made the same plea and each year they were refused.

Finally after 10 years they were allowed to marry.

After several years they realized it wasn't going to work and this time pleaded with St Peter to please allow them to divorce. He said, "Are you kidding? It took us 10 years to find a minister that was in heaven to marry you, how long do you think its going to take to find a lawyer?"

--Original author unknown, but I understand it was told by a minister. Furnished to me by Ken Elliott (7/16/97)

There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not. As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace.

"Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."

"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment. Is there anything which our holiness desire?

"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said without the dimming of memories over time."

Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God. Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library.

Immediately several of the saints and angels came running. There found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celebrate, not celibate!"

--Original author unknown, furnished by Shari Greenfield (6/4/96)

• Do you know how to get a poky Okie to speed up?
  Try to pass him!
• Do you know how to tell which way an Okie is going to turn?
  If he pulls all the way to the left, he's going to turn right. If he pulls all the way to the right, he's going to turn left.
• Do you want to know why an Okie doesn't use the left turn lane?
  He doesn't want to be the first!

"Ten years!" he answers.

She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you had a whisky?

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a bottle of malt whisky and gives it to him. He takes a long swallow and says, "Wow, that is fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

--Submitted by Judy Campbell (Sept 10, 1997)

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

--Submitted by Judy Campbell (Sept 10, 1997)

Actual Announcements Taken from Church Bulletins
1. Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
2. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. ]ones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregations will join in.
12. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir, practice.
16. Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large, double door at the side entrance.
17. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
18. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.
19. 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
21. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
22. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
23. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
24. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan to us last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."

In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessi moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her."

How are you feeling?"....

-- submitted by Judy Campbell (Oct 2, 1997)

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September 9, 1997.
Last updated: Oct 2, 1997
Copyright 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000